


Parenting and Other Risks of Chimerism

by thephilosophersapprentice



Series: Team Greed Does Stuff (aka the story I never planned to write) [3]
Category: Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood & Manga
Genre: Gen, Nothing Specific Though, Team Greed 2.0, mentions of hunting and all that entails, team greed shenanigans
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-04
Updated: 2021-01-04
Packaged: 2021-03-14 04:42:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,097
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28539786
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thephilosophersapprentice/pseuds/thephilosophersapprentice
Summary: Team Greed travels toward Resembool in preparation for the Promised Day. It isn't as uneventful as everyone was hoping.
Relationships: Darius & Edward Elric & Heinkel, Edward Elric & Greed (Ling)
Series: Team Greed Does Stuff (aka the story I never planned to write) [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2090817
Comments: 12
Kudos: 53





	Parenting and Other Risks of Chimerism

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Charcoalhawk](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Charcoalhawk/gifts).



> Written as a secret santa for Charcoalhawk. I hope you enjoy your gift! I was not expecting to add more to the Team Greed shenanigans (again), but here we are. It was a fun prompt to write.

“Maybe we shouldn’t have left the kid and Greed alone to set up camp,” Darius commented.

Normally Heinkel appreciated his fellow chimera’s good sense, but when it came a full two hours too late to be helpful, it was just irritating. He snorted. “As long as they haven’t killed each other, we’ll be good to go.”

Darius made a dubious noise deep in his chest. “Remember what they did last time?”

Heinkel shuddered at the memory. “But they learned their lesson, didn’t they?”

“Well, I would certainly hope so,” Darius said doubtfully. “Still, you never know… we should keep a sharp eye out as we get back to them.”

They were still west of Resembool, their current destination, but far south enough to enjoy the warm spring weather. The trees were putting out new leaves, ferns beginning once again to curl up from the ground, snowbells shyly making their last bows as they gave way to crocuses and lilacs. The forest around Minuet was deep and rich and green, filled with newly-refreshed moss and tiny chuckling brooks that made their way around the bases of ancient forest giants.

Best of all, the locals believed that it was a domain of spirits and ancient secrets and rarely ventured in, whether out of respect or fear.

To the two former soldiers’ surprise and relief, camp had been satisfactorily set up. A fire pit had been dug and the flames crackled merrily around the wood, while a pot of foraged soup bubbled atop it; the bedrolls had been laid out under the protection of an enormous pine to take advantage of the thick layer of soft, fallen pine needles; and the bag which normally contained Fullmetal’s gear that he used to make traps was lying empty at the end of his bedroll.

The one thing amiss was the two teenagers at the center of the camp (fortunately far enough away from the fire to prevent accidents.) The Xingese prince-turned-homunculus was arguing with the teenaged alchemist—from a perch on Fullmetal’s shoulders.

“I don’t see what you’re trying to prove,” Fullmetal grunted.

Greed rolled his eyes, though the other boy clearly couldn’t see it. “When are you going to stop grousing and admit you barely notice it? You’re freakishly strong, kiddo.”

“Don’t call me ‘kiddo.’”

“Sure, baby blue.”

Fullmetal swore at the homunculus, but made no attempt to dislodge him—at least for now. “Why are you so eager to get me to say it? Is this just a new way to get on my nerves?”

“No, I think it’s some kind of primitive bonding activity,” Darius said. Heinkel groaned. If there was one thing worse than Darius’ mistimed wisdom, it was his bizarre sense of humor.

“Who’s primitive here?” Elric challenged. “Who here passed the state alchemist qualification exam at twelve years old?”

“Did you wake up on the wrong side of the tree root this morning?” Darius teased.

“Oh, screw you.”

“Didn’t your mother never teach you to curse properly?” Darius continued to tease, despite having heard a great deal worse off of Fullmetal. Heinkel should know; he’d borne the brunt of most of it.

“My mother was a kind, caring soul,” Fullmetal intoned solemnly. “However, our neighbor’s grandmother informed me that my first word was ‘fuck’ because Mom said it so much. I’m just taking it easy on you.”

Greed bounced slightly on Fullmetal’s shoulders. “Ouch, you just pinched me! Get down from there.”

“Not a chance, kid.”

Fullmetal grabbed the homunculus’ ankles, ducked and gave a skillful twist, throwing Greed off and dodging away. “Not today, Satan!”

Greed stood up, groaning. “Wow, thanks a lot.”

Fullmetal continued to keep a wary eye on Greed as he made his way to the bag on his bedroll, fishing out a sling and pouch of small river rocks. “I’m going to go check the traps, and if nothing’s blundered into them yet, I’m going hunting. Keep an eye on the soup, wouldja?”

Greed waited for a few minutes before sauntering off into the woods after Fullmetal.

“You know he’ll get mad if you scare off all the game!” Heinkel called after him.

“Worth it if I can annoy the kid more,” Greed retorted over his shoulder, grinning wide.

* * *

It was surprisingly difficult to follow the alchemist. Greed hadn’t been expecting that. It was as if Elric had vanished completely into the woodlands.

 _You have no woodcraft, do you?_ the prince asked.

Greed grumbled. “Never needed it before.”

_Let me take over, then. I can sense his chi, remember?_

“Fine.”

They switched places. Greed still couldn’t see any trail to follow, but the prince kept going just fine.

“Why are you so desperate to catch up to him?”

Greed grunted noncommittally.

“Something’s bothering you, isn’t it.”

Greed didn’t answer. The prince clearly took that as confirmation. “What is it?”

Greed remained stubbornly silent.

“Almost there,” the prince said.

Elric was in the process of skinning a rabbit when they caught up to him. He glanced up briefly at them. “I hope you realize that, as a homunculus, you’re scaring off all the game in the area and one rabbit ain’t enough to feed four people, especially if one of them is Prince Ling Yao.” Occasionally a country accent would break out from Elric’s otherwise precise way of speaking, as if he’d trained himself out of it but could still slide back into it comfortably. Greed took it as a sign of the alchemist’s comfort around him.

“We didn’t finish our conversation before,” he said, elbowing the prince neatly out of the way so he could take over. He leaned on a large rock and tried to avoid watching the process that was currently transforming rabbit to food. Not that he was squeamish, Elric was just so unnaturally calm about it. No one should seem so relaxed during that process. Elric just seemed much too used to it.

If only he could be so businesslike in combat. Maybe then one of Greed’s all too few minions might not be marred by that scar.

“What about it?” Elric said, sounding not at all thrilled.

“Look, I may not be human, but you’re not all human yourself.”

Elric immediately shut down. “This conversation is over.”

“Who’s in charge here?” Greed said.

“I don’t want to talk about it and I _won’t_ talk about it. You can’t force me to.”

“Why does it bother you so much?”

“Look, Greed. I know you’re lonely and you want other people like you around, but just because my father convinced himself he was a monster does not make me any less human.” Elric jerked the loop of the trap back into position with more force than was necessary, almost triggering it again in the process. “Whatever you had that could’ve been called a childhood, it was in a toxic environment with no privacy whatsoever and I get that, but if you keep pushing boundaries like this you’re just gonna push people away.”

Greed was quiet. The words had hurt more than he had been expecting.

“I’m not rejecting you or anything like that. I just…” Elric inhaled, exhaled, and started over again. “I am not some demigod bending myself to a lower level. I am not fighting for some other race’s right to live, I’m fighting for my own. I want to believe that I am more than a potential drop in someone else’s path to immortality.”

Greed hadn’t been expecting that. “I thought the philosopher’s stone was supposed to be something that alchemists wanted.”

“It isn’t worth the price! Anyone who wants it after they know is never going to expect their own soul to be consumed. Blind fools, all of them!” Furiously, Elric ran his clean hand through his hair and winced as hair snagged in the joints of the automail. “We’re all just doing the best that we can do and sometimes it makes me sick to think that this _is_ as good as we’ve done so far.” Edward slumped down onto a rock, his head dropping to rest against his knees.

Greed patted his shoulder awkwardly. “So… you feel you’re not good enough? Is that it?” Dammit, he didn’t have experience with this sort of thing! None of his gang from before had been teenagers.

“Maybe.” Elric laughed bitterly. “Hawkeye told me that I’m not supposed to have the weight of the world on my shoulders like this. I didn’t regret it at the time. But now… I’m starting to feel just how heavy it truly is.”

Greed scrambled mentally for what to say. How did humans reassure each other, again?

“You aren’t alone,” he tried. “You’ve got us. Your boss. The gang.”

Elric huffed, blowing the stray wisps of his bangs from his eyes. “Thanks, Greed.”

“Was that sarcasm?” Greed asked. “The parenting books told me I should expect sarcasm.”

“Maybe a little,” Elric said. He shifted, eyeing Greed in a way the homunculus didn’t care for. “Did you really read parenting books? Hate to break it to you, _boss_ , but I’m not your kid.”

“Glad you’re aware of that,” Greed retorted, falling back on sass. _That was close_. “I’m not your nanny, or your mother either.”

“That would be awkward,” Elric said. He picked up the rabbit and made a shooing motion. “Go back to camp. I can’t have your creepy aura putting off the game. Still got to catch at least four more if I’m going to feed everyone.”

His mind somewhat more at ease than before, Greed headed back to camp.

* * *

“We _really_ should not have left the kid and Greed alone to set up camp,” Darius said.

Heinkel was tired. They had slogged through thigh-deep mud to cross a shallow, thaw-widened river to a disappointing village, where they were able to find basic food but nothing more—no comforts, not even an extra blanket. He was not in the mood for this nonsense. Heinkel rubbed his temples. “As long as they haven’t killed each other, Darius, we’ll be good to go.”

“Remember what happened last time?”

Heinkel sighed. “It wasn’t the _worst_ thing we’ve caught them doing. Optimism, Darius. Maybe they’ve finally grown some sense.”

“Well, I would certainly _hope_ so.” Darius said doubtfully. “Still, it’s a fat chance.” He perked up. “On the other hand... it's not far to Resembool now.”

“Maybe in Chelsey one of us will take Elric. It would spare us the stress, at least.”

Darius snickered. “Hey, there’s that dress that fell off the clothesline—”

“It did not _fall off_ , Darius, you ran into it face-first. There’s a difference.”

“A _nominal_ one,” Darius declared. “Anyway, we can dress Elric up, do his hair up in rag curls, and call him your kid when you go into town.[1]”

Heinkel shuddered violently. “That little _horror_? _My_ child? Do _not_ jinx me, Darius!”

“What?” Darius asked, snickering. “It would make him less obvious. Besides, you’re both blond! It would be convincing!”

Heinkel’s forehead smacked into his palm, nearly dislodging his glasses for the millionth time in their slogging trek across Amestris.

“Hey, we’re almost back at camp!” Darius exclaimed.

Naturally, the first thing to come to their ears was the sound of raised voices, though the words were impossible to make out yet. Heinkel raised his eyebrows at his companion and they both quickened their pace.

* * *

“Give that _back,_ you tiny fiend!” Greed roared, charging around the campsite after the alchemist, who was just a bit too quick for him, staying just a step ahead as he dodged and ducked around the camp, signature cackle ringing out loud and clear.

“Or what, boss?” Elric taunted, dodging away as the homunculus made another desperate swipe for the book Elric clutched to his chest. “You planning to _ground_ me?”

“It wouldn’t be a bad idea, you ill-mannered hooligan!”

“Oooooh, getting medieval, are we?”

“Give me my book back!”

Elric snickered as he ducked another of Greed’s sallies. “Maybe when you actually have kids…” He paused in place, gagging. “Oh, no. More Lings. I definitely hope not.”

Greed gave a shout of triumph as he grabbed Elric around the waist, lifting him. The book fell to the ground and toppled onto its face, revealing its title: _You and Your Teenager._

Heinkel stared at Darius. “Provided the world doesn’t end this spring, you’re buying me a drink when this is all over.”

Darius stared at the chaos in a sort of entranced, awed dismay. “Fair enough.”

* * *

[1] For the record, Ed would not object to a nice dress. He would, however, object to the perceived innate childishness of rag curls.


End file.
